i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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