Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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