ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize