aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize