Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
