new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
