You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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