I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
