I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
