Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
