I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
