tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
