As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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