Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
