I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
