dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
