bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
