I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
