yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
