a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
