come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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