I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
