So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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