I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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