I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
