i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
