she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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