i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
