He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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