Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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