Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
