We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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