My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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