i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
