OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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