You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
