I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
