ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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