i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
false alarm. still invincible.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
