I've blown a few things in my day
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
