my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize