I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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