just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
