I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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