So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
