actually, I'm a sock model
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
