Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
should my penis look like a turkey
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
