my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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