The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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