I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
