My Higher Power is John Stamos
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
