Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
