I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
