Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
