At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
