mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
