just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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