This is not my ceiling
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
